Upcoming Vista Features

The long delayed but upcoming powerhouse release of the popular Windows operating system Vista is promising some advanced new security features. See below:

The world’s largest software maker said Wednesday that people running a version of Windows Vista that it believes is pirated will initially be denied access to some of the most anticipated Vista features. That includes Windows Aero, an improved graphics technology.

If a legitimate copy is not bought within 30 days, the system will curtail functionality much further by restricting users to just the Web browser for an hour at a time, said Thomas Lindeman, Microsoft senior product manager. Vista is said to incorporate retna scanning technology to authenticate users. Eyeglasses may cause potential problems. Microsoft correspondant Robert Weildeman says, “Until the kinks are worked out users who chage their perscription after purchasing a legitimate copy of vista will need to purchase a new copy.” Microsoft is also taking a strong stance against internet pornagraphy. Vista will reckognize upwards of 85% of current internet porn sites and internally draft an email warning the wife of a user who has logged into one of its reckognized sites.

In addition to hobbling your system or publicizing your internet surf habits Vista will bring users into the 21st century of computing by demanding up to date hardware. Every three to six months Microsoft will release a patch that will put additional hardware requirements to further enhance the user experience. Vista will automatically download and install the patch to your system and later inform you of the update. Consumers can expect to see user friendly messages such as, “Windows has deemed your Intel Core DUO Extreme HyperVisor processor is not sufficient to support the latest update. Your web browser will now be directed to intel.com where you may purchase an upgrade.” Veteran will be greeted by popup windows like, “Vista has installed the recent update of DirectX 27 which will fry your current dual NVdia SLI setup and burn a hole in your 21 inch Dell flat screen. You will now be reverted to text-only display until replacement hardware is detected.”

Microsoft recently implemented the WGA program and has since enhanced it to make purchasing Vista and all of its components a breeze for its customers. You will now be able to scan in the deed to your home and request a 4th or 5th mortgage right online for hassle free financing of your new Microsoft products. Customers with oil forced heated homes are in luck. Vista will take advantage of advanced power management features in the required newer hardware to tap into your oil tank during electrical storm power outages. No need to purchase a pricey backup power unit. While the power failover will still be considered beta at Vista’s January release, the failover cutoff feature is glitchy. This means that a simultaneous restart of your heating system with a system reboot is necessary after power has been restored to the home. Average users may not detect the difference between oil power and electric power so the system can be expected to run for years drawing power from both oil and electricty.

More to come…

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