I Fixed a bug!! Nobody cares…


I fixed a nasty bug in one of my Java components that I use at work. The end. That’s all there is to the story. Go away. Go on back to reading slashdot or the Google results for bug fixing or whatever it was you were doing before you navigated here. Before you go, hey, check this out… it was a really nasty bug. One of those bugs that you only figure out by accident. I mean the second hand on the clock has to be aligned halfway between the 7 and the 8, the day of the week has to begin with the same first letter as the one immediately following the caret in your editor, you have to have on your lucky shirt (the one you found on sale at the DKNY outlet that just happend to be the last one in your size and you just happened to grab before the likewise built guy next to you with the foul odor could put his filthy fingers on the fabric), and you must be halfway through your MP3 playlist when your favorite song from one of your artists must be playing at exactly the right volume before an event like this can occur. You get what I’m saying? Things have to be just right. It was one of those type of phenomena. When something like this happens a typical self-applied back patting will not do. No sir. You get the urge to break out the good champaigne, snatch up your buddies from neighboring cubes, and using moderate pressure from the palm of your hand to the back of the head, force each buddy’s grill in close proximity to your 19″ monitor so they can examine the wonder that is brought by your genius deducing. While each one in turn marvels at your brilliant finding you awkwardly perform the cabbage patch in the aisle while in your mental eye you’ve assumed the finesse and dancing agility of celebrities such as Usher or Ginuwine. A backward flip might be in order if it weren’t for the lack of space in the office to perform such a stunt and the fear of injuring your boss, who might happen to circle the near corner. That’s how I felt moments ago.

It’s hard to paint a vivid picture of programming success and failures as you verbalize to friends and families. That new super-golly-gee-whiz code you just submitted last week that allowed you to run reports taking a fraction of the memory footprint of the original version while allowing a PDF to be incrementally streamed from the server to the client UI just doesn’t translate well in the English language, especially not for an uninteresting socially challenged person such as myself. I remember many occasions of my attempting to explain such programming magic to my family and neighboring friends and coming up short on adjectives to match the colors I was seeing in my head and to also explain my strange facial expressions and hand gestures at the time. Why does it seem that every other profession doesn’t encounter the same problem? You could be a happy-meal boxer at your local fast food location and still have more interesting discussions at parties than someone like me. “…when I change the Darth Vader toy that’s dropped in each box for the Pooh Bear and handed it to the little girl she said the funniest thing…” beats the hell outta “…and we got this process that feeds binary over RMI in a fraction of a second it would take to invoke a SOAP service…” at any bar mitzvah. You see what I mean?

Well that’s why I’m posting here. It was a major find! I explained it to my coworkers and they were too busy mashing their keyboards with unrelated Java ramblings for the infamous javac binary to interpret. Nobody here cares about my find. It was awesome I tell you. The lights dimmed, while both my desktop tower and monitor levitated 3 inches above my desk. At that same moment a low spoken rumbling voice muttered, “my child, the chosen one, you are now ready…” I would keep rambling on about the bug and how great I am for finding it but you already know what a Guru I am! Also I have to stop by the local beer outlet and pick up a case so I can celebrate throughout the weekend. In the interim, show me some love…

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