Hello. My name is Cliff and you’re here because you’ve been drinking too heavily. The link you meant to click on was actually above the link that brought you here. You may wipe the spilled hops and barley from your keyboard and click the back button in your web browser to find the correct page or you can hang out for a moment and chat with me if the little light thingy is on in the little box thingy on the right hand side. (If I’ve taken the little box thingy down or if the light is not on then try talking in the little white box under all of the below text. Use your keyboard to do the actual talking instead of your voice because computers can’t hear too well.) By now you can probably tell that I’m one of those tech bloggers. Y’know those guys that babble about all the weird acronyms like “ABC scripts” and “XML DBMSes”. The clues are subtle so far (the over-use of parenthesis, and the embedded “if” logic declaring what your next action should be). I apologize if the anything here offends or bores you but that’s just how us tech folks are, boring and offensive. Look at Chloe. (Don’t she always got something smart to say?) If you’re still reading (there’s another “if” statement) then (“then” always follows “if” doesn’t it?) you must either be more drunk than you thought you were or looking for the off switch. (The off switch doesn’t exist on this site but there is a little start button in the lower right hand corner that you can use to stop your machine from boring you. Yes the start button can stop the computer just like pulling down on the scroll bar thing to your right moves the text upwardon the screen. Hey, I didn’t make the rules I just play by them.) How do I know what you’re thinking? Well there a few random google searches that land people here every day. I can see those searches with my programming powers. (Yes we programmers do have powers to see the letters you enter in the Google search bar.) Here’s an example of what I see everyday:
(click on each search link in turn to see what it looks like on Google.)
xsd “can’t see”
Neither can I unless there’s source code in front of me. I believe this guy meant to type, “so drunk I can’t see”. Apparently he he’s so drunk he can’t type either! My page comes up because I’ve babbled somewhere about a buzz-word called XSD.
About the 6th link from the top.
Typically people make consecutive phone calls because they’re drunk. This lady is so drunk that she’s now looking for an example of people who like to abuse the local phone system.
can’t start firefox in dapper
I’m not sure why you would be dumb enough to start a fire in a diaper but obviously there are some spelling as well as grammatical errors here.
groovy classes.findall (…ended up here instead!)
If you were looking for the grooviest people in your graduating class then clearly you are too drunk to identify them. Wait until some of these groovy people get married beat their spouses then get themselves as drunk as you are then maybe they’ll find you instead.
flash linux esd
This teenager is obviously looking to flash a few lines of lsd for her party. The problem is I don’t sell or do drugs. You can hang out and talk about your addiction with me though. I’m very supportive and I won’t tell your parents. Really, I’m cool.
retrieve “COMPUTERNAME” “java” code exam
I don’t care who you are! Cheating on a programming exam is wrong! Please click the following link so that a virus can be silently installed on your machine which will alert your professor of your deceitfulness.
I could go on for days but that right there should prove that the majority of my hits have been alcohol or narcotic induced. I’m not afraid of such people. Maybe they can hang out for a while and learn to program. It keeps me off the drugs! Whatever it is you’re looking for I wish you luck in finding it. I understand times are tough and beer bottles are cold so it makes sense to spill a little and fludge a search term or two. I ain’t mad at’cha. Pour out a little liquor for me homie…