HTSAP my acronym for the soon to be ignored serious How To Suck At Programming. Welcome to listing number 2. (Listing 1 was a couple of weeks ago.) Don’t get comfortable because I’m inconsistent with my blog posts.
You’ve been planning this prank for weeks. Your buddy, the guy that works on the database team, is notorious for doing crazy stuff. Just last week he covered the optical eye on your mouse with clear tape and scribbled it with a black sharpee. Just enough to let a minimum of laser through thereby giving you the painfully frustrating user experience of a slow, barely responsive on screen pointer. No matter how far you drag up down left or right the thing only moves a few pixels. As you struggled for hours losing productivity that day, surfing the web, installing new drivers, and plugging into different USB ports, and rebooting not truely knowing the source of the problem it was this guy, barely containing random snickers, that was completely responsible! You’re going to get him back! You’ve watched his every move, waiting for him to leave his workstation unlocked so you can meticulously deploy you rouge program. You know the one pr0n site that the company’s filter’s don’t block, it’s complete with audio and full motion video. You’ve delicately crafted a Visual Basic program that will popup dozens of windows to this site playing the audio at full blast while re-spawning on a reboot. Your team has been held up in the basement of the IT wing of the company where nobody but the cleaning lady visits and you’ve cleverly calculated everyone’s work schedule so that your time-bomb will detonate early in the morning just before the dev team’s daily stand up meeting but before any of the executives arrive as to mitigate the overall collateral damage and avoid getting him or anyone else fired. This will be too good you exclaim mentally as you complete the installation of the devilish COM object along with the hidden Windows registry entry. It’s too perfect as he never leaves his workstation unlocked you think to yourself.
Unbeknownst to you he intentionally left his workstation unsecure after backing up and clearing his hard drive for the 6pm hardware guy to swap the box with an upgrade. You were too into your plot to even notice the default Windows wallpaper or that he was logged in as Administrator instead of his user account. The swap is made promptly at 6pm after everyone including you, has left for the day. His desktop is replaced with an identically looking Dell with extra RAM, HD, and a souped processor. Meanwhile his old Dell goes to the nice always church going Christian lady down in pricing who had recently suffered from losing her husband to internet foul play on the Chris Hansen show visiting chat rooms in that very same site that leaks through the corporate proxy servers. Well done genius! Your carefully attack is about to become a painful re-enactment of a tragic event for an innocent bystander! Of course you have no knowledge of how badly your prank is about to backfire, especially since you’ve left your signature all over the later to be discovered malicious app. You come in the next day fully expecting to be entertained while your buddy opens up Internet explorer as he is predicted to do just before the stand up. To your amazement nothing happens! He logs into the project management tool from his browser and on goes the rest of your day… completely eventless and void of laughter. As you ponder how your payload could have failed to execute (you registered the COM object and carefully placed the registry entry) you begin to hear screams from the pricing office upstairs. These screams are coupled with all too familiar audio of not so innocent grunts and moans played over a pair of Logitec speakers. So if you wanna suck at programming prank the wrong PC. You may never be able to explain your true intentions to the woman who lost her husband and now her final strands of mental stability but the memories of how good that prank could have been should be more than enough to compensate.