There’s something wrong


We’ve all done stupid things in life. Maybe you think nobody’s saw you. Maybe you’re poo-pooing somebody else for making the same mistake you got away with. Whatever your excuse is, you know you’re wrong. Here’s my top 25 (and growing) list of things that are just wrong. I’m guilty of a few of these offenses. (Some of you are guilty of a whole lot more, don’t act like its just me!)

There’s something wrong when…

  • …you pull out a pack of gum and suddenly everyone wants to be your friend.
  • …you’re laughing so hard no noise comes out so you just sit there clapping like a retarded seal.
  • …you try to accomplish a very complicated task before the microwave reaches zero.
  • …you’ve watched 20 minutes of paid programming before you realize it’s not a commercial.
  • …you charge your phone 5 minutes before leaving because you believe that will actually make a difference.
  • …you watch a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on.
  • …you let your phone ring for 29 seconds because you’re busy dancing to your own ringtone.
  • …you realize the secret note you snatched from your child’s bag and tore in half just before school was the shopping list for you’re birthday surprise.
  • …you’ve drunk so much that the tree you swerve around turns out to be your air freshener.
  • …you say a word so often that it loses meaning and doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.
  • …you get kicked out of a costume party for wearing nothing but a red shirt and go home thinking you’re the only one who knows “Winnie the Pooh”.
  • …you stay on the toilet 20 minutes after your finished going because of the game or video on your phone.
  • …you’re in the middle of a deep conversation and realize the person you’re talking to isn’t old enough to remember the Taco Bell chiuahua. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell!”
  • …you almost ram the car in front of you b/c you’re too busy checking your mirror for the source of the sirens that are actually coming from the song on the radio.
  • …you swerve off the road onto those little loud ridges while you watch the cop you past disappear in your mirror.
  • …you get a bloody nose from lying flat in bed and holding your phone up to read then dropping it.
  • …you just realized the word bed actually looks like a bed.
  • …you can’t find the bug you unsuccessfully tried to squish on the ceiling over the bed.
  • …you get a thrill out of stopping the microwave at one second.
  • …you’ve spent so much time iphoning on the toilet that both your legs fall asleep.
  • …you elbow smash your 6 year old while stomping her foot in a desperate juggling attempt to stop your fumbling glass polished iphone4 from hitting the concrete.
  • …you race past your buddy in the parking lot, almost knock over an elderly person just so you can press the elevator up button in the building.
  • …you’re over 30 but still have the urge to only touch the darker floor tiles with your feet because the others are made of lava.
  • …you will risk crapping your pants to run back across the room and grab your phone before going to the can.
  • …you felt inclined to walk into Sea World with a fishing pole.
  • …you’ve drunk so much beer that you can’t remember the score or even who’s playing when the 1st commercial comes on.
  • …you’re over 30 but still try to solve the puzzles and word scrambles on the box while you eat cereal in the morning.
  • …you’re over 30 but still believe you can feel your Spidey Senses tingle when trouble walks into the room.
  • …you try to flush and pee at the same time then try to finish before the water disappears.
  • …you’ve tried to rinse the debris stuck to the inside of the bowl with your pee and got mad because you couldn’t generate enough pressure.
  • …you peel back the shower curtain before going to the bathroom because of the horror movie you were just watching.
  • …you’ve spent an entire 15 minutes on the toilet then feel cardboard when you reach for toilet paper.
  • …you get 2nd degree burns from grabbing your plate from the microwave but the food is still colder than your drink.
  • …you’re walking up the stairs carrying groceries and pulling your phone out your pocket and feel both the phone and the Prego sauce start to slip.
  • …ninety percent of the country doesn’t feel bad for the lady who has fallen and can’t make it back to her feet.
  • …you’ve dialed your cell number to find your phone and felt your thigh buzz 10 seconds into the call.
  • …you get mad at your 6th grade daughter for not knowing the answer on “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

3 thoughts on “There’s something wrong

  1. First of all, I LOVE this post! Second of all, you’re way too hard on yourself! Let me go through this line by line….

    “…you pull out a pack of gum and suddenly everyone wants to be your friend.”

    Since I’m assuming you’ve done this to other people when they pulled out their gum, think of this as simple gum karma. No biggie.

    “…you’re laughing so hard no noise comes out so you just sit there clapping like a retarded seal.”

    I choose to celebrate this. Whenever I’m the retarded seal, it just makes me laugh even harder, and when I see someone else do this, it makes me laugh as well.

    “…you try to accomplish a very complicated task before the microwave reaches zero.”

    Define ‘complicated.’ If you mean going to the bathroom, that’s okay. If you mean brain surgery, that’s not so okay.

    “…you’ve watched 20 minutes of paid programming before you realize it’s not a commercial.”

    How tired were you at the time? Or was it truly that entertaining?

    “…you charge your phone 5 minutes before leaving because you believe that will actually make a difference.”

    Yeah, I agree with you on this one. ::shrug::

    “…you watch a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on.”

    Makes me squirm, too! I’m hoping this doesn’t happen too often for you, though.

    “…you let your phone ring for 29 seconds because you’re busy dancing to your own ringtone.”

    As long as you eventually answer it, no worries! This sounds awesome to me.

    “…you realize the secret note you snatched from your child’s bag and tore in half just before school was the shopping list for you’re birthday surprise.”

    I think you’ve just written your first sitcom episode. I’d totally watch it.

    “…you’ve drunk so much that the tree you swerve around turns out to be your air freshener.”

    LOLOLOLOL. Now get out of the car and get a cab. Immediately.

    “…you say a word so often that it loses meaning and doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.”

    I did this in second grade with the word ‘umbrella.’ I had a blast.

    “…you get kicked out of a costume party for wearing nothing but a red shirt and go home thinking you’re the only one who knows “Winnie the Pooh”.”

    Wow, um…wow. You may be alone on this one.

    “…you stay on the toilet 20 minutes after your finished going because of the game or video on your phone.”

    I don’t have a smartphone, but I suspect you’re not alone in this.

    “…you’re in the middle of a deep conversation and realize the person you’re talking to isn’t old enough to remember the Taco Bell chiuahua. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell!””

    Again, this sounds like something to celebrate! (I mean the deep conversation, not the lack of chihuahua memories.)

    “…you almost ram the car in front of you b/c you’re too busy checking your mirror for the source of the sirens that are actually coming from the song on the radio.”

    Eek.

    “…you swerve off the road onto those little loud ridges while you watch the cop you past disappear in your mirror.”

    Yikes. Yeah.

    “…you get a bloody nose from lying flat in bed and holding your phone up to read then dropping it.”

    Whoops. Sounds horrible.

    “…you just realized the word bed actually looks like a bed.”

    Wow, that’s awesome! I can’t believe I’d never noticed before!

    “…you can’t find the bug you unsuccessfully tried to squish on the ceiling over the bed.”

    Eurgh. Agreed.

    “…you get a thrill out of stopping the microwave at one second.”

    ::shrug:: No biggie.

    “…you’ve spent so much time iphoning on the toilet that both your legs fall asleep.”

    Not a big deal, unless you’re about to run a marathon.

    “…you elbow smash your 6 year old while stomping her foot in a desperate juggling attempt to stop your fumbling glass polished iphone4 from hitting the concrete.”

    Eek! Yeah.

    “…you race past your buddy in the parking lot, almost knock over an elderly person just so you can press the elevator up button in the building.”

    Hee! As long as the elderly person as fine, this sounds good to me.

    “…you’re over 30 but still have the urge to only touch the darker floor tiles with your feet because the others are made of lava.”

    I do this, too, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

    “…you will risk crapping your pants to run back across the room and grab your phone before going to the can.”

    Try keeping a stash of magazines in the bathroom instead. I favor Bloomberg Businessweek and Mad.

    “…you felt inclined to walk into Sea World with a fishing pole.”

    But you didn’t actually do so, right? No prob.

    “…you’ve drunk so much beer that you can’t remember the score or even who’s playing when the 1st commercial comes on.”

    As long as you don’t have to drive or supervise kids, sounds okay.

    “…you’re over 30 but still try to solve the puzzles and word scrambles on the box while you eat cereal in the morning.”

    Awesome!

    “…you’re over 30 but still believe you can feel your Spidey Senses tingle when trouble walks into the room.”

    I believe this is a legitimate skill.

    “…you try to flush and pee at the same time then try to finish before the water disappears.”

    Maybe this is a guy thing. Yech.

    “…you’ve tried to rinse the debris stuck to the inside of the bowl with your pee and got mad because you couldn’t generate enough pressure.”

    Again, probably a guy thing. I definitely recommend a toilet brush.

    “…you peel back the shower curtain before going to the bathroom because of the horror movie you were just watching.”

    Perfectly understandable. I’d only consider therapy if you’re still doing this a week later.

    “…you’ve spent an entire 15 minutes on the toilet then feel cardboard when you reach for toilet paper.”

    OH NO TOTAL HORRIBLENESS. I’ve become pretty good at spotting this before sitting down.

    “…you get 2nd degree burns from grabbing your plate from the microwave but the food is still colder than your drink.”

    This is why I don’t generally use a microwave. Call me a Luddite, but there you are.

    “…you’re walking up the stairs carrying groceries and pulling your phone out your pocket and feel both the phone and the Prego sauce start to slip.”

    OH NO. I hate that, too!

    “…ninety percent of the country doesn’t feel bad for the lady who has fallen and can’t make it back to her feet.”

    90%? Really? I’m a pessimist, but I still refuse to believe this.

    “…you’ve dialed your cell number to find your phone and felt your thigh buzz 10 seconds into the call.”

    Happens to the best of us.

    “…you get mad at your 6th grade daughter for not knowing the answer on “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?””

    Yeah, you need to calm down about that. I’m working on my second Masters degree, and I still get stumped once in a while by that show.

    1. Astrid,

      I feel bad for you. These jokes would be far more funny to an iPhone or Android user. Ever since I got hooked on the toys of the new millennium I picked up a new series of bad habits. It’s become a requirement for every boring shopping venture at Justice (that place has a certain gravitational effect on my right arm and the 2 daughters attached to it…), every trip to the bathroom, and the thing to do in the dentist office waiting room. Nothing beats having a piece of solid Apple engineering rebound off your nose from a height of 8 1/2 inches. (The iPhone4 is waay heavier than the earlier models!)

  2. Nephew! I laughed so hard tears were flowing from my eyes. This is really good! I wish your grandparents had known how talented you are. Keep up the good work. If you have never heard this before I am really proud of you.
    Love ya”
    Aunt Sharon

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