How to suck at programming #FEFE23 donate your day to a bug


It’s a holiday, everyone is partying but you got better things to do. Up early in the morning, you power on your vehicle and head to the office like the model employee you know you are. The wife queries, “Isn’t it a holiday?” to which you mumble, “I gotz deadlinez!” The looming release date of the project you’ve been working on for the past couple of months is beginning to weigh on you like last Thanksgiving’s turkey and yams. Hi, I’m Cliff. You’re here because you suck at time management. On with our story… The air around your shoulders now feels like lead and you can almost make out the text of the actual delivery date as you watch its molecules adhere to one another with each passing hour. Today will be different! You have the entire office to yourself and you will be Mr. Super Productive Programmer Guy ready to close out the 12 top Jira items in 1 heroic effort!

You arrive bright and early, and only dabble on Social media for an hour because, “hey, it’s the holiday and you gotta have some enjoyment!” Finally dismissing further distractions you power up your IDE and go to work! You finally restore the memories tucked away in the soft tissue inside your skull which originated last Friday when you came up with the terrific idea to finish your work over the holiday. “Yes, this is the issue I needed to resolve!”, you verbalize audibly knowing that nobody is in the office to witness your late morning schizophrenia.20 minutes into your effort you hit a snag which sends you off in a whirlwind of meta-problem resolution, also known as yak-shaving. Undeterred you press on, confident because you weird the most powerful IDE on the planet and no amount of yak hair will keep you from making your deadline.

Finally it bites you. The one bug that makes absolutely no sense because the source code was working entirely different just prior to your recent changes. The changes you introduced are the absolute logical equivalent of the original version of the source code. There is no way in the world the behavior should be altered. You have made what is the textbook definition of a safe refactoring yet things have dramatically stopped working! You refuse to use your debugger because everything is TDD on this project. Unit test failure after unit test failure eventually causes you to break down and add log statements, then finally use the debugger. The debugging session leaves you even more puzzled as you Google random log output and red-herring type error codes. You glance briefly out the window and the sun has grown several shades darker and you start to feel your heroic day slip into night. Hour after hour leaves you more stranded, frustrated, and confused as you throw different possible solutions into your IDE, practically reauthorizing the entire project along the way. The emulator that your app runs on mocks you with scorn, the internet feels like its laughing at your pain, you have no other recourse but to throw in the towel but you refuse to give up.

Finally you begin a round of rubber-duck (or teddy bear) debugging speaking aloud each line of source code as you step through your logic mentally. Three minutes into the ducky-debugging it becomes painfully obvious where the problem is originating! The most obvious oversight of a relative URL which should have been absolute! How could you be so blind? Why did you go through all the chaos of rewriting your entire project??? 7 extra characters is all it takes to make the original version of your modifications green bar!

Alas, the day is old and the curtain call has begun on your life as the credits begin to roll announcing the tail end of your holiday. You look at your progress and realize that you have fixed one minor insignificant bug in an area of the app that only you and the night time janitor know exists. (The janitor only know because you spend nights discussing your problems and have been stuck on this issue for months.) Hooray for you! You have devoted your entire holiday towards fixing the only feature in the entire app that does’t actually get used anymore. So if you wanna suck at programming, skip a holiday, go to work, and obsess over that one unused feature. You’ll learn more about the edge cases of the web browser in your emulator and never live to appreciate those precious 24 hours again in your life.

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