Who am I?


Originating in the dark ages, one future Emperor would rise to claim victory over all knights of Java development. Trained in the ancient arts of RPG, our Emperor fought many a battle with sys admins and project managers in order to spread the truth of clean, readably design code. Alas, our hero was tragically scarred in the line of battle while fighting with an IT manager that deemed it more important to patch an already failing system by appending an overly complex front end system. While ultimately triumphing in victory our hero gained a new perspective on software design. It was during this period that he turned to the dark side, enslaving those who did his bidding and bringing turmoil to those who stood in his way.

Clifton Craig…

  • Is the master of over 40 different programming languages/platforms/technologies, one of them just invented two minutes ago by an Amish free-lancer working in Sweden
  • Can write code without using the shift, space, or enter keys
  • Can read code that was written without using the shift, space, or enter keys
  • Can divide by zero
  • Invented C programming, named it Cliff, then later gave the credit to Dennis Ritchie who shortened the syntax and then the name to C.
  • Once wrote a Java Lexer/Parser in RPGLE for the Commodore64 using Braille on a 286 during summer vacation
  • Is the Biggie Smalls to your build system
  • Can run DMC through your DMZ using UDP instead of TCP
  • Can rap backwards
  • Recently cooked Thanksgiving dinner using one of the dual cores in his MacPro
  • Can eat a entire birthday cake before blowing out the candles
  • Is the last person you’ll ever meet again for the first time
  • Can believe it’s not butter
  • Was the only soldier in boot camp that didn’t suffer from homesickness, John Deer letters, or suicidal thoughts
  • Shows up late for drill, waves to the First Sergeant, leaves to chill at the mall, then returns in time for final formation
  • Can get four people admitted to the movies, theatre, or club with three $tens.
  • Found Waldo in your backyard just moments ago
  • Knows everyone in your family by their middle name
  • Once drove an ice cream truck without an engine at 150mph
  • Pays taxes with a Discover card and pays Discover invoices with tax rebate money
  • Can checkmate your king on the first move
  • Is the guy your computer professor cheated off of
  • Can push start a stick-shift car on sand all by himself (true story)
  • Can pop the clutch in an automatic
  • Will give you the best sound out of your Honda Accord using 99 cent copper wire, house speakers, a guitar amplifier, and one of those two knob head units with the push button channel changer that never quite lands on power 99FM
  • Is the only way to eat a Reese’s (Every other method is flawed regardless of what the voice on the commercials tell you)
  • Is the answer to the question you were just about to ask
  • Knew you were going to read the entire page
  • Is the reason why you’re about to post a comment

86 Comments

  1. Required

    Seriously, you are not funny.

    You probably know stuff about stuff, but man, you just are not funny. I dont mean to be offensive. Its just a heads up.

  2. Honestly, I’m not trying to be funny. Thanks for the heads up. I’m not offended, but I know nothing about nothing and I’m not trying to be funny. Hell, I even said up above that my jokes are un-funny. See:

    I’m a clown that loves to irritate others with sometimes abrasive and non-humorous humor. I think my jokes are hilarious but others, well, you can draw your own conclusion.

    What is funny is that somebody cares enough about a brother to navigate to the “about me” section and leave such a comment. That leaves evidence of some deeper interest in me. Maybe you want to know why I’m not so funny. Maybe you expect to find a picture of me to see if I’m as ugly as I am “not funny”. I dunno, but that comment is kinda funny. Thanks for giving me (and my rather small group of 10-15 readers, 1 or 2 of which probably will ever see this page) a laugh. Don’t worry, we’re not laughing at you. We’re laughing at how my unfunny attempts to be funny are actually funny. (That’s probably not funny either!) It’s probably the only laugh anybody reading my site could ever hope for since everything else is so… “not funny”. If anybody else happens to be reading, (and I wouldn’t understand why you’re reading up “about me”, since I’m not that interesting) don’t take none of my stuff too seriously. Feelings can get hurt frustrations could rise, all over something that’s supposed to be “fun” not “funny”. It’s all gravy…

    • That was pretty funny! Well put!

  3. Keep going. I like your blog and your style. I will find some time to read earlier posts and probably can say something more appropriate.

    I think we definitely have some overlapping interests.

  4. Thanx dorai. I almost missed your post as it got caught up in my spam filters. Don’t worry about being appropriate. I wanna keep the site open and I welcome all comments whether they’re trash talking or otherwise prductive.

  5. No, you _are_ funny. Interesting blog, lots of interesting stuff.

    Thanks,

    K

  6. Kropotkin,

    Thanx, but I really don’t think of myself as funny. I try to make my writing fun and if you get a laugh then cool. If not, then it’s all good in da’ hood. While there is a lot of fun and happening stuff going on in the tech industry there are too many tech articles and writings that read like wallpaper. My aim is to highlight some of those nice to know things in a way that keeps you focused long enough to leave a comment like, “stop being so corny and whack!” If I get enough of those comments then enough of my article has been read and thus I have accomplished my mission.

  7. x-freestyler©

    May i ask you, how can i insert java codes to my wordpress blog?

  8. Yes you may ask. Wether I’ll respond or not is another question! ;) I use the a <pre/> tag nested in a <code/> tag. I also use the CopyAsHTML plugin in IntelliJ Idea to do all of the escaping for me. If you look at my earliest posts I have source code to a little Groovy app that does the HTML escaping as well.

  9. bibomedia

    :)

  10. Scott

    Can’t remember how I stumbled here, but seriously, why leave a comment like:

    “Seriously, you are not funny.”

    Keep up the good work!

  11. I can’t remember how I stumbled out of bed this morning, but seriously, why not leave a comment like:
    “Seriously, you are not funny.”

    I invite all feedback negative and positive as it gives me an idea of whaty’all are feelin’. If you not feelin’ my flow then I gots ta know, y’know? Thanx for the compliment and now I gotta get back to work.

  12. Karan

    Yup, not funny. But i guess that we all want to pass the emo poet off as an attempt at humour. Oh and why the references to race?

  13. Let me say it for you:

    Not funny at all. That Cliff kid is just a straight clown… He thinks that just cause he gotz a little bit of experience with computers and just cause he was in some rap group back in the 90′s that he gotz sumn John Blaze or sumn. Let me tell ya’ the rhymes iz not wirkin’ the flow is awful… I dunno why he even tries to put anything up here. Yeah, man, I get it! You think you got talent. Just like the three hundred forty seven people from my hood that swore they was gonna blow up like 50 cent. (Why is it every body from my part of town either got a record deal in the pipes or putting someone on with someone that got a record deal in the pipes?)

    Fo’ real, this Cliff character thinks he got my goat just because I’m upset enough to spend my spare time commenting on his whack site instead of using that time to figure out why I got a NullPointerException and a race condition in a method that is so obviously thread safe!!! That Cliff fool is garbage, don’t read his nonsense, instead look at my lame attempt to point out how “Tom Brokaw” his flow really is! On my word this kid is garbage!!!

    Does that sum it up?

  14. Mark

    I think you are hilarious! And a hell of a developer!

  15. Let the record show that I don’t know Mark. While I did work closely with a guy named Mark some years ago and while I’d recently reunited with that Mark giving him the URL to this page and threatening to hold his family hostage if he did not leave a comment the above Mark is not that same Mark. The above Mark could be any number of Marks including the Mark that runs the product department as Vice President at my company. The above Mark was not forced or coerced to leave a comment. Rather, he felt compelled to do so (probably out of pity cuz I can’t see why else someone would even bother…) after reading something randomly posted somewhere on these pages. I thank you, Mr. Above Mark, for your words of kindness. May all of your unit tests green bar on their second execution. You may leave in peace, Above Mark. As always, feel free to return and comment.

  16. Seriously, You ARE funny!

    • Seriously, are you Grimace?

  17. It is a good About page when it makes me laugh!

  18. claudio

    Great Blog Cliff!
    As an aspiring code guru, may i ask how long you have been programming? I enjoy learning this stuff, but i wish i started earlier in life.

    • Claudio,

      I’ve been at this programming stuff since I was about 8 or 9. I can’t remember. People didn’t figure out that they should pay me for it until ’98.

  19. slyguy

    Cliff!!!!! (think Cheers) dude where ya been all my life? Are you currently employed? if so, interested in making a lil sumthin’ on the side? If not, interested in making a lil somethin on the side (interested in dev skills only :)

  20. peekytoe

    I think Cliff is funny. And brilliant. Cliff, I didn’t even know you had this site until lifestream told me so. Stay brilliant!

  21. Your site ROCKS

    Tell me more about iPhone speex codec !!!
    • can my app just damn write the audio into speex ?
    • can any old web browser play speex ?
    • is speex way tinier than MP3 ?
    • is audio OK sounding with speex ? (this is just ppl talking mostly)
    • can QuickTime play speex ???

    HILARIOUS, you give me hope in humanity with this funny ass genius website

  22. Thanx for checking me out. I appreciate all comments, feedback, complaints, etc. Tell your friends then tell those friends to tell their friends. Make sure they tell their friends friends to tell their momma. Eventually moms will tell Aunt Pearl (…because everybody has a mom who has a friend they call “Aunt Pearl”. I’ve verified this programmatically.) Once Aunt Pearl finds out I can safely assume my stats will grow. I thank you and your friends’ friends’ mom’s friend Aunt Pearl in advance.

  23. hai Cliff, I know u blog from http://azizuysal.com/2009/07/06/blackberry-development-on-mac-os-x/

    in the blog on tell me how to make blackberry application on the mac,
    but there is no build.xml source code. Can you tell me what the source code build.xml

    I look forward to your assistance. thanks before

    regards,
    Budi

  24. Mourad Mergaoui

    Good work Clif! amazing job Empror

  25. Thank you with regard to discussing excellent data. Your own web-site is actually very awesome. I’m amazed through the particulars which you have about this site. This discloses exactly how properly a person understand this particular topic. Book-marked this particular website page, can come back again with regard to more content articles. A person, my personal friend, ROCK AND ROLL! I discovered just the actual information We currently looked everywhere as well as just could not run into. Exactly what a perfect web-site.

  26. Adi Oros

    Hello! I need the source code for a voice changer app. It doesn’t matter what language, though i’d preffer java2me or android. I’ve seen in a forum that you were looking for one to, couple of years ago, and i thought maybe you can help me. It’s for a personal project. Thank you.

  27. “Is the Biggie Smalls to your build system” built a jenkins plugin that quotes lyrics from Born To Die.

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