HTSAP my acronym for the soon to be ignored serious How To Suck At Programming. Welcome to listing number 2. (Listing 1 was a couple of weeks ago.) Don’t get comfortable because I’m inconsistent with my blog posts.
You’ve been planning this prank for weeks. Your buddy, the guy that works on the database team, is notorious for doing crazy stuff. Just last week he covered the optical eye on your mouse with clear tape and scribbled it with a black sharpee. Just enough to let a minimum of laser through thereby giving you the painfully frustrating user experience of a slow, barely responsive on screen pointer. No matter how far you drag up down left or right the thing only moves a few pixels. As you struggled for hours losing productivity that day, surfing the web, installing new drivers, and plugging into different USB ports, and rebooting not truely knowing the source of the problem it was this guy, barely containing random snickers, that was completely responsible! You’re going to get him back! You’ve watched his every move, waiting for him to leave his workstation unlocked so you can meticulously deploy you rouge program. You know the one pr0n site that the company’s filter’s don’t block, it’s complete with audio and full motion video. You’ve delicately crafted a Visual Basic program that will popup dozens of windows to this site playing the audio at full blast while re-spawning on a reboot. Your team has been held up in the basement of the IT wing of the company where nobody but the cleaning lady visits and you’ve cleverly calculated everyone’s work schedule so that your time-bomb will detonate early in the morning just before the dev team’s daily stand up meeting but before any of the executives arrive as to mitigate the overall collateral damage and avoid getting him or anyone else fired. This will be too good you exclaim mentally as you complete the installation of the devilish COM object along with the hidden Windows registry entry. It’s too perfect as he never leaves his workstation unlocked you think to yourself.
Unbeknownst to you he intentionally left his workstation unsecure after backing up and clearing his hard drive for the 6pm hardware guy to swap the box with an upgrade. You were too into your plot to even notice the default Windows wallpaper or that he was logged in as Administrator instead of his user account. The swap is made promptly at 6pm after everyone including you, has left for the day. His desktop is replaced with an identically looking Dell with extra RAM, HD, and a souped processor. Meanwhile his old Dell goes to the nice always church going Christian lady down in pricing who had recently suffered from losing her husband to internet foul play on the Chris Hansen show visiting chat rooms in that very same site that leaks through the corporate proxy servers. Well done genius! Your carefully attack is about to become a painful re-enactment of a tragic event for an innocent bystander! Of course you have no knowledge of how badly your prank is about to backfire, especially since you’ve left your signature all over the later to be discovered malicious app. You come in the next day fully expecting to be entertained while your buddy opens up Internet explorer as he is predicted to do just before the stand up. To your amazement nothing happens! He logs into the project management tool from his browser and on goes the rest of your day… completely eventless and void of laughter. As you ponder how your payload could have failed to execute (you registered the COM object and carefully placed the registry entry) you begin to hear screams from the pricing office upstairs. These screams are coupled with all too familiar audio of not so innocent grunts and moans played over a pair of Logitec speakers. So if you wanna suck at programming prank the wrong PC. You may never be able to explain your true intentions to the woman who lost her husband and now her final strands of mental stability but the memories of how good that prank could have been should be more than enough to compensate.
(Loosely based on a true story… as a tribute to a new WordPress blog that I find very amusing… The idea here is NOT original and I can never be that witty!)
You’re the master of your domain. The one person responsible for making sure the build/deploy system is operational. Also, you’re the only developer who actually knows what’s going on in that tangled mass of technology that nobody else in the company uses but you. Sure it’s different and complicated… but that’s only because the rest of your company co-workers are weenies and don’t have what it takes to sit through 532 pages of text describing the ins and outs of Agile Software through the build system. All they know is their fancy wizards for compile and deploy, but you… yes you, the REAL software engineer know everything that goes on underneath. You can describe each tool involved in the build lifecycle down to the byte code level. That NullPointerException, that wasn’t a programming flaw! That was the team’s resistance towards your efforts externalizing the dependencies! They always assumed that they could reference a member variable directly without calling through the getter method.
At any rate, you’ve become professional. You’ve done hot deploys in your sleep while dreaming of sugar plums and dancing daisies. You once did a hot deploy remotely over dialup with a keyboard that was missing the enter key and space bar! Your expertise is matched only by the sheer number of both cold and hot deploy’s you’ve performed over the years! Why should this one be any different? Besides, the code has been tested on your development server hasn’t it? Forget about that staging area specifically set up for Quality Assurance which mirrors the hardware and configuration of the production machines! Completely bypass policies and procedures checks, and balances set up to protect the company from failure. You know better your your methods are fool proof. Just one command and you’re off and running! deployment never felt so sweet.
You draft an email to the project manager as well as the product owner as you watch the text whiz by in your command window while the hot deploy carries on. “New feature rolled out!”, goes the subject line as you inform all of a successful update completely leaving out the fact that it is still in progress as you type. The deployment completes only seconds after you hit send in Outlook. Time for an early lunch your stomach craves reminding you that you have absolutely no work left on your plate between 11:30 and 12pm while the rest of the company marvels at the new features you’ve unleashed into production.
You high five your buddy that sits across from you bragging about how awesome you both are for totally beating the deadline. You crack a joke about some of the corners that were cut and how nobody will ever notice the easter egg you snuck in as an added bonus. Alls yuh hafta do is enter the Contra code during the splash screen in your Swing based app and a mini Super Mario jumps out. This was included as an insider’s joke on the other hermit developer who actually called out “Mario” in the Olive Garden restaurant the company dined at last year thinking he saw his long lost cousin from Italy. You are totally unaware that your hot deploy only went to one of the 25 production machines situated behind the load balancer that your deployment tool talked to and that you have no security to manually update the others. You are also unaware of the impact this will have to the Fortune500 client that accesses your software remotely… totally unaware of the financial loss that is soon to come from the next seven hours of down time spent diagnosing and finally fixing the problem.
The phone call comes in just as you grab your shades ready to head out in the summer light on your way to an 11:30 dine in at the local buffet. It’s your manager on a call with the director that just got chewed by the CEO. Clueless and unaware that the director is on the line, you answer with arrogance because you two have this understanding from way back when you managed to fix a problem by remotely rebooting twelve Linux machines while on vacation in Jamaica. However the era of you saving the day have long passed (it’s all about what have you done for me lately) and he sounds unamused by the joke you mumble over the phone to him while his boss listens in… a rather serious man who has already begun paper work to hire an assistant manager who will likely assume a direct management over your department. Your manager was unaware of your plans to run the update and only found out about the fiasco after receiving a barrage of phone calls and emails which over took his inbox like angry Persians fighting the Spartans in the final scenes of 300. It’s too late to claim ignorance of the event as you’ve already sent the email company wide. It’s times like this you wish you knew more about automated integration testing. So if you wanna suck at programming, hot deploy to a production box at the same time as you claim success. You’ll only spend the next nine weeks looking for employment before taking a gig at reduced pay but the lesson will last a lifetime!